Tyler Strauss
World Series of Dreidel
By Tyler Strauss
The World Series of Dreidel (WSOD) competition in Queens NY came to a close this past Sunday after 5 days of grueling play and one highly uncomfortable Shabbat dinner. The group stage of the competition officially kicked off at sundown the Monday after Yom Kippur, everyone having cleansed themselves of their sins before arriving in the Big Apple. Groups I and II played on day 1, quickly adding new sins to their rap sheets with 3 fights, 2 ejections and one slightly uncomfortable comment about gay marriage. One fight in particular (an unathletic slap battle between Larry David and Jason Alexander) had to be broken up by security, the two bald bastards being sent to the penalty box (or "Shmuck Shack") for 15 minutes a piece. Larry was subsequently ejected, winning many spectators money as this was the most common prop bet of the week. Sinning aside, Monday saw WSOD's highest ratings in the modern era with just over 1800 viewers, 37 of whom were not bribed or threatened (an all time record). This was good for 11th best program on ESPN 8 the best finish WSOD
Although the remainder of group play saw a 100% decrease in fights, it did see a 300% increase in viewers. The only man to go to both the MLB All-Star Game and WSOD Tournament of Mensch's Sandy Koufax did not see the success he is so used to having, leaving after just 30 minutes in a huge upset during day number 2. As competition kicked off following the 11:00 AM Shvitz, Koufax lost to newcomer Amar'e Stoudemire in just 3 quick spins. Koufax told Strauss Illustrated Sports Reporter Tai-Kwon-Doe Strauss that he "always has trouble when he's behind", a trait that has plagued him in the dreidel pit, baseball diamond and the bedroom.
Competitors (left to right) Franken, Stoudemire, Prince Charles and Julia Louis- Dreyfus compete at the WSOD final table
After the first 4 days of play, the first place finishers from each group moved on to the two semifinal rounds played on Friday. The semifinals were run simultaneously and featured one of the strangest moments in WSOD history when one particularly erratic spin from Billy Joel hit the side of the pit at just the right angle and flew across onto the other semifinal's table. Al Franken had just set his Dreidel loose, and the two Talmudic tops slammed into each other with the ferocity of 10,000 Davids. Both dreidels landed on Gimmel, giving The Piano Man the first ever assist in WSOD history. As the semifinals rolled on and sunset approached, many worried that the competition would have to be postponed until after the sabbath on Saturday. In what many view as the biggest miracle since rogaine coated yarmulkes, Prince Charles spun a Gimmel at 5:45 PM and ended the day's competition just in time.
With the day off on Saturday, the four finalists (the top two finishers from each of the semifinals) were able to relax their weary, hairy fingers and explore the surrounding area. Unfortunately for them, they received the true Queens experience. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was spat on for wearing a Lakers shirt, Prince Charles was kicked out of a local coffee shop because "America", and Al Franken had a street-fight with 7 Hasidic teenagers at a nearby deli over the last piece of rugelach. Stoudemire was the only finalist who knew how to have a good time in Queens, which is to walk to the nearest subway and take the train into Manhattan. He then partied with current New York superstars until the Jets players arrived, at which time everyone sighed and went home.
The finalists arrived Sunday morning for the most anticipated sports finale in recent Jewish history, ready to stake their claims for the coveted $7 grand prize. The final table: Stoudemire, Louis-Dreyfus, Prince Charles and Al Franken. The morning was far from all smiles, however, as 3 sponsors had dropped out over allegations that Dreidel commissioner Maury Povitch had eaten bacon with his breakfast. The great "kosher Conundrum" led to an emergency bidding for replacement sponsors, resulting in startup tea company Ekon Tea and human milk company GOAT Milk winning the not at all coveted advertising spaces.
When the dreidels had all settled, Former New York Knick and current New York Jew Amar'e Stoudemire was crowned winner and awarded the coveted title of "Master Dreideler". He is by far the tallest, heaviest and darkest champion in WSOD history, and will almost certainly keep that title until overpopulation and global warming kills us all.
Larry David giving the Seinfeld group a last look of contempt before he stormed out following his ejection