Tyler Strauss
Blitzen Arrested
By Tyler Strauss
Blitzen "The White Nosed Reindeer" was arrested this past weekend in Miami Beach, where he was found on the roof of The Mutiny Hotel with 7 unidentified flying does and over 12 bricks of pure Colombian cocaine.
As a North Pole citizen, Blitzen doesn't qualify for the American Constitution or the Bill of Rights. As a reindeer, Blitzen doesn't even qualify for the United Nation's Human Rights. As such, interrogators were allowed to use unspeakable methods of torture to extract information from the Boreal Buck. This allegedly consisted of stress positions, waterboarding, and 7 days worth of Friends reruns. On the 8th day of Schwimmer and schmucks, Blitzen cracked and revealed he had a hoof in an intricate drug
ing extending from the North Pole all the way down to Argentina. As the "mule" of the operation (please remember, Blitzen is a reindeer, not an actual mule; mule is simply a term for an individual who smuggles contraband across borders), Blitzen would sneak out of the North Pole stables and collect baggies of "Southern Snow" from the cartel handlers. He would then return to the pole and slip the drugs to paid off elves, who would stuff the "White Christmas" into adorable little teddy bears. These would then be unknowingly delivered to the homes of the buyers by none other than Saint Nick, putting the bears under the trees himself. By flying the drugs through the Christmas sky, Blitzen was able to evade the DEA and move the "candy (co)canes" completely undetected.
When asked for comment, Santa's personal spokesperson Michael Buble stated "Santa had absolutely zero knowledge of Blitzen's drug use or associations. Blitzen's performance as lead reindeer on the left gangline has been stellar, and his actions have never indicated that illegal drugs or activity could possibly be in play. Blitzen's actions do not reflect the culture that Santa and his associates have worked hard to create, and Blitzen's place among the "Great 8" reindeer that pull Santa's sleigh is currently being re-evaluated. For the time being, Blitzen is on stable-arrest while Dasher has been promoted to lead left gangline. Also, all Teddy Bears in Santa's sack have been removed for immediate inspection".
Due to Blitzen's ability to literally fly away, his bail has been set at 2 million glasses of milk.